Don’t wish away your life

So after my last post, I managed to accomplish the requested edits (No she didn’t misread my dissertation…dang it). As of yesterday, my chair sent the edits to the reviewer who approved them and forwarded them to the dean. I still don’t have my D-75, and I think I need that by the end of the day Monday. I will definitely be researching that today. Then today I was emailed to add one more table, which I did and resubmitted within an hour of receiving the email. It seems like the dean is reviewing things quickly, and that is a good thing for me! But now the waiting commences…again!

I am SO not a patient person. Like at all. This is the hardest part of the whole process. But isn’t that true of most things in life?! As kids we had to wait for birthdays, Christmas, vacations, the bell to ring to end class/school, etc. It’s like we were always waiting for the next thing to happen and wishing away the time until it did. As an adult, I have done and continue to do the same thing. When the Army had my husband, I would wish for the clock to tick faster and the nights to be shorter so that he would be back in my arms sooner. When I was pregnant with my children, I would wish for the next milestone to happen quicker so that I would know he/she was ok and growing and would arrive soon. How many countdown clocks/tickers have I made? I have no idea. I would venture to guess in the hundreds. All of them wishing away days, hours, and minutes. All of them pointing out how badly I didn’t want to be in the moment but rather in the moment I knew was going to come.

It’s SUPER hard to be content and in the moment. There’s a part of me that wants to always have ambition and drive, and I fear being content and in the moment negates some of that. On the other hand, how many amazing moments have I not enjoyed because I was racing to the next thing? There are a few moments that while I was in the moment I tried to freeze and hold on to. Those are times when I knew I needed to capture and remember them like taking a picture.

The first moment I distinctly remember capturing was when I left my first classroom to move to a new school as a teacher. It was the first and last time I moved to a new school involuntarilty. As I walked out, I remember standing at the door of that classroom, staring at it all, and just letting the moment soak in. All the memories, student achievements, good and bad decisions, all of it. I can still remember the smell of that room just by bringing up that memory.

The next moment was the day I spent with husband on base writing a letter to him after finding out he was deploying to Afghanistan. He had stuff to do, and I wrote like a 3 page letter in the room while he was gone. Then I walked down to the lake and sat on the empty dock (It was in January, and it was freakin’ COLD). I had Darius Rucker’s “History in the Making” playing on repeat in my headphones, and I just remember sitting there thinking that 1 year from that moment I would be a different person, my husband would be different, and our marriage would be different. I remember thinking all the horrible thoughts about him not coming home, or being wounded, or not wanting me when he got back. And I very distinctly remember the water lapping onto the dock, the sun suddenly breaking through the clouds, and a bright beam of light landed right on me. It was like God saying, “I got you, and it’s going to be ok”. Every time I hear that song, I am right back in that spot.

Now I try to freeze every feel, smell, and look of my husband each time he pulls out of the driveway to go on duty. I never want to wonder about any of those things should God decided to take him home instead of bringing him home to me. As much as I HATE this waiting process to know if I get to walk in the April graduation ceremony, I am trying really hard to stay in the moment and not wish everything away. Some days it is definitely easier than others.

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