I will never understand

Last night my husband and I went to see:

In short: Best movie I’ve seen in a LONG time!

This is perhaps the 3rd film I’ve seen in a theater that people applauded at the end and then were basically silent as they exited. The other times I can remember were “Schindler’s List” and “Saving Private Ryan”. Last night as we waited to walk out, all I could do was touch my husband’s back, rest my head on his strong shoulders, and silently thank God for bringing him home safely to me. I knew that movie was the closest thing to an accurate depiction of what he had gone through in Iraq. I also realized with a heavy heart that no matter how much I read, researched, and wanted to comprehend what he had gone through, I would never be able to do so.

I will never know what it is like to go months on end feeling nothing but the heavy metal of my rifle, stinging sand in places it should never be, constant anxiety and adrenaline pumping, and that never-ending terror of facing an enemy hell bent on killing me. I will never understand trusting my next breath to the guy on my right and the guy on my left. I will never comprehend coming home and dealing with the mundane, inconsequential, and plain ole stupid and selfish after being in a war zone for a year. I will never understand. Never.

I can, however, continue to listen any time he wants to talk about any part of it. I can remember to be more patient when he loses his cool of something that seems so small. I can keep reaching for him, holding him, loving him, and being here for him. I will never understand, but I will always love him.

This film depicts with vivid detail experiences of our soldiers in combat as well as our soldiers when they come home but don’t really come home. A piece of them was left on the battlefield. Chris Kyle got some of his piece back by helping fellow veterans. My husband gets his from his work in law enforcement through all that he does to serve and protect. They are the lucky ones. Some never find that piece of themselves at all. I am so thankful to be so lucky.

I can’t explain war, why some make it home and some don’t, or why some recover their pieces and some are lost forever. I don’t know why God calls some soldiers to heaven in the blink of an eye and leaves other soldiers here on earth. I just know that I am blessed beyond measure. My husband did make it home, he continues to fight to keep all of those pieces, and I get to hold him and love on him.

While I will never understand, and no one else who has never gone to war will ever understand, I just need to love. That I can do.

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