I got my dissertation review back…not good.
Ok so I didn’t get a zero in any category; however, I feel like I’m screwed. My reviewer wants me to add about 5 tables and 3 appendices to my chapter 4. No problem right? WRONG! Remember a while ago when I shared that my chairperson encouraged me to find a statistician to assist me with my data analysis? Well I did, and she was great. Except that she costs $$$ I don’t have. AND I now have to either spend said $$$ I don’t have to contact her and wait for her (with time I don’t have) to do these corrections/additions, OR I have to spend time (did I mention I don’t really have this time?) to figure it out on my own (which CLEARLY I would have done the first time if I thought there was a snowball’s chance of figuring it out).
I’ve run into road blocks/brick walls before in this process, and nothing has seemed as overwhelming as this. This is cray cray. I just need to get it done. I know that. I’m going to be YouTubing the crap out of data analysis with this SPSS program, and I’ve already sent my data analysis person an email HOPING she responds quickly…like today would be great. None of this has done much for me today in terms of perspective, or mood, or motivation.
This is when all the stupid little things start to drag me down, annoy the crap out of me, and frankly just piss me off. Examples: My gorgeous amazing husband and I have seen each other for a total of 7 hours this week. During those 7 hours we were eating dinner, exchanging news and information, and disciplining kids. We MIGHT have had an hour or so talking about each other. It sucks, and tonight was supposed to be our date night…but alas it is not meant to be. He was basically voluntold to work until 10PM and then has to be back at work tomorrow morning at 6AM, which means he will go to bed the minute he walks in the door tonight. It also means, I don’t get to connect with him and recharge my love bank. That makes me sad (to use a cheap adjective). I get it. He’s being promoted and needs to impress and make better/new connections with his command staff. We need the money. Buying a house that was bank-owned and needing work is f’ing expensive; add the holidays and it just sucks. I get it…I do. Without anything else going on, I would probably say, “Sweet! I’m dropping off the kids for youth group and going window shopping by myself”.
Instead, I know I’m dropping off the kids and racing home to cuss, scream, cry, and fight my way through the changes I have to make to my dissertation. Oh yeah, totally looking forward to that…NOT. I’m just gonna wallow in this for abit, and then I will pick myself back up, figure out how the hell to climb over this wall (or dig under it, or blow the shit out of it), and get back on track. I’m not going to let all of this throw me back into the pit of insecurity and doubt that I have clawed my way out of recently. It’s a terrifying place I don’t ever want to be in again. I mean geez, I’m just now getting my hair to stop falling out as much! 😀 There…I made a joke. I’m saying:
Must Graduate! Must Graduate!