All over the place today

I literally feel all over the place today. I can’t focus. I can’t get over this anxiety I have right now. I want to be at home. But I can’t. I’m stuck at work for a few more hours at least. So what’s going  on?

Well my husband has apparently figured out one of the ways that I am monitoring his computer usage, and decided to log out. Now I can’t use this way anymore. I don’t know why he would do that…unless he has something to hide. And that’s what I’m afraid of. We’ve been down this road before…over. and. over. I don’t want to go down it again. He erased the history recently too. Supposedly that was because the computer was acting up and he had to…okay fine. I reset the computer to record the history. Now he has signed out. I will have to check it when I get home. And I fully intend on going home early at this point. It doesn’t help that I haven’t really seen him for 4 days, and when I did last night it was for a couple of hours only and we both had splitting headaches. Nice huh?.

I know I went a lot longer than that when he was in the military; however, circumstances are a bit different now. Now he has broken my trust multiple times. Now I know what he did with most of his time (porn, surfing craigslist inappropriately, and even swingers websites). Now I know he can discard me like yesterday’s trash at the drop of a hat. Or at least that’s how I feel. My self confidence was shattered, and now I’m trying to get it back.

Speaking of which, I am now 3 days away from having my breast augmentation (a fancy way of saying boob job). I’m excited and scared to death. I’ve read horror stories, and I’ve prepared myself as well as I can. I know the odds of this just fixing everything for me are nill, but at least I can be on the road to feeling like I look sexy again. I’ve lost 4 pounds so far in 10 days, and I’m really proud of that. I have eliminated soda completely from my diet, and while I have suffered from headaches from caffeine withdrawal, it is worth it.

What sucks is that my husband and I have been doing great. We are communicating, we are intimate at a great level again, and he is being nice. So why then does he have to go and do things that make me question what the hell he is doing at home on the damn computer while he is alone with our 7 month old son?!!! Damn it!!!!

I need to…I don’t know what I need to do anymore. I no sooner start to feel like I can stop checking, stop watching, stop wondering, and then he does something that could potentially be “innocent”. But then again how. How can it be innocent. He would have to purposefully go to the login and click to log out. He would have to purposefully know what he was doing and why.  And quite frankly, he’s too smart for me to believe it was accidental. So where does that leave me?

Well I am going to check the computer when I get home. I will check the setting and see. Then we are going to talk. Again. Damn.

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