“Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:36-37
This verse was given to me recently, and it really struck a chord. I now have it written and taped to my desk next to my computer. For me, this is a wonderful reminder of what God says about forgiveness and mercy in this situation. I have learned a couple of really difficult lessons recently.
1. I cannot control anything about my husband no matter how hard, how good-intended, how Godly, or how much I want to. If he wants to cheat, he is going to do it. If he wants to masturbate to porn all the time, he is going to do it. If he wants to be faithful and loyal to me and only me, he will. If he wants to respect me and put me as a priority in his life, he will. It isn’t how I try to control him that makes a difference.
That being said, there are things that I can do to help the situation. I can make sure to show my husband all of the love and affection that I possess. I can make sure I tell him how much he means to me…and often. I can make sure my body is available, willing, and excited about him forever and always. I can be sure to edify him continuously. And most importantly, I must mean it when I say I forgive him, and I must move forward.
Moving forward is a challenge and is difficult sometimes because I am only human. My flesh gets in the way sometimes, and I have to rely on what God has given/told me in order to overcome that.
2. My husband can be incredible. Yesterday was a primary example of this. It was a typical chaotic day with a little extra thrown on top: IEP meeting, DMV for address change, post office, bank, dentist appointment for me, kids after school until their dad picked them up, and of course not much sleep for my husband since he worked until 6AM, got up with the baby at 8AM and pretty much ran all day long. But how was he so incredible? He texted me in the morning. He held my hand in the car on our errands. He was calm and patient with ALL the kids (even the ones that tried real hard to push his buttons…again). He made a steak dinner. He didn’t laugh too much at me when my mouth was still numb from my dentist appointment and I was trying to eat. He rubbed my feet last night. He stayed up just late enough to make sure the baby was asleep and I took my pain medicine. He made sweet love to me. He got up with the baby early early this morning (at least I think he did…I was definitely in a drug fog at that point. He snuggled with me all night.
I don’t know if I have the adequate words to express how much his touch means to me, and how very much I needed it yesterday. I get to have not 1 but 2 root canals, and I am getting a glorious cold to go with it. I pretty much felt like crap, and he just took care of me. It was wonderful.
I know the road to healing is long, and I know it won’t be easy. But I also know that days like yesterday are what give me the strength and hope that our marriage will be rebuilt to be better than ever.