Intuition

Intuition is a gift that most women seem to possess. I have always been told to listen to my intuition. And it never fails…every single time I ignore it, I always have something come back to bite me in the ass. And typically I look and feel like such a fool because I “just knew” something or another and should have listened.

Example: I “just knew” my husband was doing something he shouldn’t. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to listen and figure it out. I ignored that voice until it was brought to my attention (long story) that yep in fact, he was throwing me away…again. Seeing as how this was the 3rd time, that whole “fool me once…” saying kept ringing in my ears.

But how does that saying fit with a Christian lifestyle? God says we are to forgive. The bible says we forgive over and over (something like 70X7 plus). I know society/the world/whatever says I should not forgive him. I should leave him. I deserve better. Oh that’s a good one…deserve…what do I really deserve? Here’s what I think I deserve:

a man who will love me, honor me, and be with me forsaking (that means be totally and completely faithful!!!) ALL other women

a man who is honest and works hard to support his family

a man who loves his children and takes care of them

a man who is a good example of what I/we want our boys to grow up and emulate (that means copy)

But that’s not completely what I have. Oh he is a wonderful father. He loves his kids wholeheartedly. He even loves my kids wholeheartedly. He takes care of stuff around the house. He cooks. He cleans. He takes care of the cars. He fixes stuff. He has a career. He is finishing his Master’s degree. All of that is awesome and I love him for it.

He does love me. I think he completely takes for granted that I am a good person and would never cheat on him, that I would never even put myself in an awkward position or a position that could even be perceived as dishonorable, that I am so incredibly forgiving over and over again.

He struggles in the area of honesty and faithfulness. He is honest if he is asked directly; however, he does the whole lie by omission thing really well. I think it comes from being a cop/detective. He is not faithful. Now he will say that he has not slept with anyone else (which is true), and therefore he has been faithful. I say he has not been faithful when he has asked other women for naked pictures of them, had chat sex with other women, and tried to “get together” with other women while I am at work/away from him. This at the very least is emotionally cheating. Which is why there is really no trust right now when it comes to that area.

I trust him with my life, my kids, our son, our money, our possessions. I don’t trust him with another woman…regardless of their marital status, work status, or even age for the most part (he’s not a freakin’ pedophile but between 18-45…all bets are off). I will NEVER trust another woman around him.

I don’t know how I’m going to move forward/get past what has happened. I know that I love him. I know that I don’t want to destroy our family. And I know that I want/need a husband who loves me and wants me and only me. That’s the bottom line. He says all the time that he loves me, he will always fight for me, he will always love me, etc. but his actions do not say/have not said the same thing. I’m trying to give him another clean start. I’m trying to just have faith that he won’t do it again. It is by far the most difficult thing for me to do. I have been burned soo many times now. Last time I said I wouldn’t stand for it again. And yet…here I am still with him, still fighting for our marriage.

I love him so much it hurts. I love him with all my heart. I would do and have done anything for him. I just want him to do the same. I want him to love me as much as I love him. I want him to respect and honor me as much as I respect and honor him.

In my dream world, this would be his wake up call. He would be the husband I have always wanted. We would have another baby together, and life would just be the all-american perfect dream. It is still possible…right?!

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